The Three Levels of Kink Identity
Fetishism, like many complex behaviors, does not exist in a vacuum but rather develops through a continuum of engagement and identity. As individuals interact with their fetishes over time, this relationship progresses through a series of psychological, energetic, and neurobiological stages, culminating in a deeply entrenched aspect of the self.
In this chapter, we will explore the three primary levels of fetish identity: Doing, Having, and Being. These levels represent not only varying degrees of behavioral engagement but also the depth of enmeshment between the individual and their fetishistic complex. As a person moves from exploration to full identity fusion, the fetish becomes less of a choice and more of an inherent part of who they are.
Understanding these three levels is crucial for anyone attempting to intervene, whether they are therapists, coaches, or the individuals themselves. Each stage reflects a progressively tighter relationship between the sense of self and the fetish, making intervention more challenging but also offering unique opportunities for deprogramming and healing. By recognizing where an individual is on this spectrum, we can tailor therapeutic approaches to their level of enmeshment, thus providing more effective support in the journey toward disentanglement.
Now, let us dive into these stages, beginning with the most superficial—Doing.
The “Doing” Phase of Kink Identity
The first and most superficial level of fetishistic engagement is the “Doing” phase. At this stage, fetishism is largely an activity—a behavior that an individual engages in, either sporadically or regularly, without it necessarily defining who they are. In this phase, the fetishistic behavior is still viewed as something external to the individual’s core identity. The person may indulge in certain fetishes during sexual exploration, curiosity, or novelty, often seeing it as a temporary or isolated experience.
For many individuals, the “Doing” phase is marked by a sense of experimentation. This is the stage where someone might dabble in kink or fetishism as a way to explore new aspects of their sexuality. For example, they may try wearing latex clothing, experimenting with role-play, or attending BDSM events, but these activities are not central to their self-concept or daily life. They are still able to compartmentalize the behavior and do not necessarily feel that their fetish defines them.
The “Doing” phase can often feel liberating because it allows the individual to experiment with boundaries. They may engage with kink communities, participate in events, or explore online content, viewing the fetish as a playful or exciting addition to their sexual repertoire. Importantly, there is still a level of detachment in this phase—the individual can engage with or withdraw from the behavior relatively easily, as the fetish has not yet become a compulsive force.
However, even at this early stage, the brain’s reward systems are being activated. The dopaminergic pathways—those responsible for pleasure and reward—begin to associate fetishistic behavior with sexual arousal, creating reinforcement loops. This creates a situation where repeated engagement with fetishistic activities can start to build associations between the fetish and sexual gratification. Although this conditioning process is still relatively weak in the “Doing” phase, it lays the groundwork for deeper engagement in the future.
Transitioning From “Doing” to “Having”
For many individuals, the “Doing” phase is where fetishism remains—a series of sporadic activities that offer novelty, excitement, and sexual satisfaction. However, in some cases, repeated engagement leads to deeper attachment to the behavior. When the brain begins to link sexual gratification more strongly with fetishistic behavior through repeated peak experiences, and the individual starts to return to the fetish as a primary source of arousal, they can transition into the “Having” phase.
This shift may also be triggered by life circumstances that create emotional voids—trauma, stress, loneliness, or unmet needs. Fetishism, once simply an activity, becomes a more regular part of the individual’s life, offering relief or comfort in times of emotional distress. This transition is typically marked by a growing reliance on the fetishistic behavior and an increased presence of the fetish in the individual’s thoughts, fantasies, and sexual habits. The neurobiological reinforcement process accelerates, and the individual may find that their relationship to the fetish is no longer as flexible or detached as it once was.
The “Having” Phase of Kink Identity
The second stage in the progression of kink identity is the “Having” phase, where the individual’s relationship with their fetish begins to shift from an activity they engage in to something they possess as part of their sexual and psychological landscape. Fetishistic behavior moves from a series of isolated experiences to a consistent element in the individual’s sexual repertoire, and the fetish itself becomes more integrated into their sense of identity.
In the “Having” phase, fetishistic desires are no longer just something the individual does; they are something the individual has—an element of their identity that is now consciously recognized and integrated into their self-concept. The person may think, “This is a part of who I am,” or “This is how I experience desire.” The fetish becomes internalized, meaning that it no longer feels external or compartmentalized from their overall life or sense of self.
While it may not yet dominate their identity, the fetish begins to exert more influence over their sexual behavior, fantasies, and even emotional states. Fetishistic practices are no longer simply experiments or occasional indulgences; they become a more consistent part of how the individual engages with their sexuality. In many cases, the fetish starts to become necessary for sexual arousal or fulfillment, and other forms of sexual expression may begin to feel less satisfying by comparison.
The Psychological and Emotional Shifts
The transition into the “Having” phase is often marked by important psychological and emotional shifts. At this stage, the individual begins to feel a stronger attachment to their fetish, and it may provide them with a sense of comfort, security, or identity. This deeper attachment can be both empowering and confining. On the one hand, the person may feel more comfortable embracing their fetish as a core aspect of their sexual identity. On the other hand, this attachment may lead to a sense of dependence on the fetish for sexual or emotional satisfaction.
For some individuals, the fetish may become a coping mechanism to manage emotional distress, unmet needs, or unresolved trauma. As fetishistic behaviors are repeated, they can serve as a way to soothe or distract from difficult emotions. This is particularly true when the fetish serves as a means of regulating intense emotions like anxiety, loneliness, or shame. The fetishistic complex begins to entangle with the person’s emotional landscape, making it increasingly difficult to distinguish between desire for the fetish and the emotional relief it provides.
This phase is also where individuals may start to feel the early signs of compulsion. The fetish begins to take up more mental and emotional space. Individuals may find themselves preoccupied with their fetish, thinking about it outside of sexual contexts, fantasizing about it more frequently, and possibly seeking out opportunities to engage with it more regularly. This preoccupation can feel both thrilling and, at times, anxiety-inducing, especially if the individual doesn’t have access to such opportunities to engage on a regular basis.
The Role of Neurobiological Reinforcement in the “Having” Phase
From a neurobiological perspective, the reinforcement of fetishistic behavior intensifies in the “Having” phase. Each time the individual engages in fetishistic activities and experiences sexual gratification, the brain’s reward circuits (primarily involving dopamine) are activated. Over time, this leads to the strengthening of neural pathways associated with the fetish, making it increasingly difficult to derive the same level of pleasure from non-fetishistic sexual experiences.
This neurobiological reinforcement is key to understanding why the “Having” phase is marked by a deepening attachment to the fetish. The brain becomes conditioned to associate the fetish with reward, pleasure, and emotional relief, reinforcing the behavior. As this conditioning process continues, the fetish becomes less of a choice and more of a requirement for sexual satisfaction.
However, the deepening of these neural pathways can also lead to the emergence of tolerance. As in many forms of behavioral reinforcement, the individual may find that they need more intense or frequent engagement with the fetish to achieve the same level of arousal or satisfaction. This can result in an escalation of fetishistic behavior, where the individual seeks more extreme or novel forms of engagement to maintain the desired level of pleasure.
Cultural, Social, and Relational Reinforcement in the “Having” Phase
As the fetish becomes a more integrated part of the individual’s identity in the “Having” phase, its effects extend beyond private sexual experiences and into broader cultural, social, and relational dynamics. Modern cultural narratives, particularly those within the sex-positive movement, heavily reinforce the idea that exploring and embracing one’s sexual desires—especially those that deviate from societal norms—is not only valid but also essential to achieving self-actualization. While this ethos can be empowering, offering many individuals a sense of acceptance and freedom, it can also complicate the possibility of reflection or intervention when fetishistic behaviors become compulsive or maladaptive.
Cultural Reinforcement and Energy Structures
One of the key factors that solidifies the transition from Doing to Having is the cultural reinforcement provided by these broader narratives. Modern sex positivity champions the idea of embracing one’s true self, encouraging individuals to “be themselves” and “live their truth,” often without deeper examination of whether their desires are truly serving them in healthy or fulfilling ways. These messages can be empowering for those whose fetishes are integrated into their lives in balanced, non-compulsive ways, providing a healthy outlet for sexual expression without shame.
However, these cultural narratives often overlook how energy structures such as Social Egregores (SEs) and Unattached Burdens (UBs) can manipulate and amplify fetishistic behaviors. These external forces drive compulsions that may not originate from the true Self.
This presents a direct challenge to the cultural narrative that fetishistic behaviors represent an authentic expression of identity. By encouraging individuals to embrace these desires without questioning their origins, the cultural reinforcement fails to recognize that some of these behaviors may be driven by energy structures rather than the Self. This makes it difficult for individuals to explore whether their fetish is truly serving their well-being or if it is being fueled by external forces.
By the time an individual reaches the “Having” phase, they may be surrounded by a community or societal messages that validate their fetish as an unchangeable part of who they are, cementing it as a key aspect of their identity. This validation can make it difficult for the individual to question the roots of their fetish, even if it is causing harm or preventing emotional fulfillment. Deeper reflection, which might reveal unresolved trauma, energy structures, or unmet needs, is often avoided, as it may feel like betraying their identity or the supportive communities that have embraced them.
In this way, cultural reinforcement not only encourages fetishistic behavior but can also act as a barrier to intervention, particularly when individuals feel that questioning their desires might lead to a loss of identity or community support. The message that “anything goes” within sexual exploration can further blur the lines between healthy sexual expression and compulsive behavior, making it more difficult for individuals to recognize when their fetish is being driven by energy structures and becoming a limitation rather than an expansion of their authentic Self.
Social and Relational Impacts
The social and relational dynamics in the “Having” phase are deeply intertwined with these cultural narratives. As the fetish becomes more integrated into the individual’s identity, it begins to impact their relationships, both romantic and platonic. Many individuals in this phase feel a need to disclose their fetish to their partners, especially if the fetish has become essential for their sexual arousal or fulfillment. The partner’s response to this disclosure can have a significant impact on how the individual views both their fetish and themselves.
If the partner embraces or accepts the fetish, this often leads to a sense of validation, further deepening the individual’s attachment to the fetish as a core part of their identity. This validation can strengthen the belief that the fetish is essential to their sexual and emotional well-being, making it more difficult for them to explore alternative avenues of intimacy or emotional fulfillment. However, if the partner expresses discomfort or rejection, this can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, or frustration, entangling the individual even further in the fetishistic complex.
In response to this, some individuals in the “Having” phase may seek out partners or communities specifically within kink or fetish subcultures, where they feel they can freely express their desires without fear of judgment. These communities often offer validation and a sense of belonging that the individual may not find in more mainstream social or relational spaces.
Conversely, the fetish can also create a sense of isolation, especially for those whose fetishes are highly specific, niche, or extreme. The individual may feel that their fetish is too unique or outside the realm of typical sexual experiences to be accepted by most people, leading to feelings of alienation. This alienation may drive the individual to retreat further into their fetish, viewing it as both a source of comfort and a barrier to connection. The fetish becomes a double-edged sword—offering solace in solitude while also limiting deeper, more diverse forms of emotional and relational intimacy.
Balancing Cultural Empowerment with Self-Reflection
While cultural narratives around sex positivity can offer freedom from shame and allow individuals to explore their desires openly, it’s important to recognize the complicating factor they introduce for individuals whose fetishistic behaviors are becoming compulsive. For many, the support and validation found in kink communities can provide a much-needed sense of belonging. However, these narratives can also reinforce fetishistic identity in ways that inhibit deeper reflection on whether the behavior is serving the individual’s long-term emotional and relational well-being.
It’s crucial to clarify that this is not an indictment of the kink scene itself. On the contrary, I am far from anti-kink. I love the kink scene—its creativity, the freedom it provides, and the dark aesthetic of fetish fashion. I have tremendous respect for the countless dommes and sex workers who show up with genuine intent to help others, sometimes even transforming lives through their work. Over the years, I have encountered many people who swear by the positive impact the lifestyle has had on them, helping them grow, find empowerment, and build stronger identities. These experiences are real, valid, and worthy of celebration, and I am not dismissing or undermining them in any way.
That said, challenge arises when the cultural reinforcement of sex positivity, particularly the narrative that encourages unconditional acceptance of desires, interacts with individuals who are unknowingly driven by energy structures. The existence of these energy structures complicates the question of whether fetishistic behavior always serves the individual’s well-being. While many people find kink empowering, there are those whose desires are fueled by external forces rather than the true Self.
This raises a key question: are these fetishistic desires a healthy expression of Self and a gateway to healing and self-actualization, or are they being manipulated by energy structures, driving behaviors that can lead to isolation, compulsion, or emotional limitation? The goal isn’t to discourage exploration but to encourage balance—the empowerment of embracing one’s sexual identity, alongside the self-awareness needed to assess whether the fetish is fostering emotional growth, intimacy, and authentic fulfillment.
This balance requires the capacity for self-awareness—the ability to examine one’s desires and question whether they are grounded in personal authenticity or influenced by external forces. In the “Having” phase, cultural, social, and relational reinforcement can strengthen the individual’s attachment to the fetish. But it also presents an opportunity for conscious exploration if the individual remains open to reflection and self-examination. Recognizing the influence of energy structures is essential for breaking free from the illusion that the fetish is inseparable from the individual’s true self, allowing for the possibility of deeper healing, integration, and a richer, more expansive life.
The “Having” phase offers a critical inflection point: the individual can either move toward deeper entanglement in the fetish, transitioning into the “Being” phase, or they can begin the work of dissolving shame, developing self-awareness and maintaining a healthy balance between their fetishistic behavior and the other aspects of their life.
By fostering self-awareness, the individual can prevent further enmeshment and cultivate a relationship with their fetish that is based on curiosity and agency, rather than emotional dependence or compulsive need.
If left unchecked, the “Having” phase can gradually evolve into the “Being” phase, where the fetish is no longer something the individual has—it is something they are. At this stage, the fetishistic complex becomes fully integrated into the individual’s core identity, leaving little room for any sexual or emotional experiences outside of the fetish. This transition is often driven by an increasing reliance on the fetish for emotional regulation, sexual satisfaction, and a sense of identity, setting the stage for full enmeshment with the fetishistic complex.
The “Being” Phase of Kink Identity
The final and most profound stage in the progression of kink identity is the “Being” phase. In this phase, the fetish no longer exists as something the individual does or has—it becomes who they are. The fetishistic complex fully enmeshes with the individual’s core identity, so much so that it is indistingishable from the Self. For individuals in this phase, their relationship with their fetish is not just one part of their life but the lens through which they experience their entire sexual and emotional reality.
In the “Being” phase, the fetishistic behavior or identity has become a fundamental part of the individual’s self-concept, shaping how they understand themselves, their relationships, and their desires. The fetish is no longer a preference or interest but has been woven into the fabric of who the individual perceives themselves to be. This often leads to an intense sense of identification with the fetish, where other aspects of their personality, desires, and sexual behaviors take a back seat to the fetish itself.
This level of enmeshment can be empowering for some, as it allows them to fully express and embrace their kink without fear of societal judgment or internal conflict. However, for many, the “Being” phase comes with a loss of flexibility and a deep sense of limitation. The fetish becomes a central force, often overshadowing other forms of connection, intimacy, and emotional fulfillment. At this point, fetishistic behavior becomes compulsive, and the individual may feel trapped by the very thing that once brought them pleasure or satisfaction.
The Loss of Choice and Flexibility
The hallmark of the “Being” phase is the loss of choice. Whereas in the earlier “Doing” and “Having” phases, individuals still maintain a level of volition in their engagement with fetishistic behaviors, the “Being” phase represents a point where the fetish has become fully integrated into their sense of Self. The fetish is no longer something they can take or leave—it is perceived as essential to their identity and how they experience sexual and emotional connection.
This loss of flexibility often manifests in the individual’s reliance on the fetish for sexual arousal. At this point, the fetish has become the primary or exclusive source of sexual satisfaction. Other forms of sexual or intimate expression may feel flat, unsatisfying, or even inaccessible. In extreme cases, individuals may be unable to achieve arousal or orgasm without engaging in their fetish, creating a feedback loop of dependency. The fetish becomes less about exploration or play and more about necessity—something that must be fulfilled to feel complete.
The loss of choice can also be emotional and psychological. Individuals in the “Being” phase may feel a deep sense of identity fusion with their fetish, which can limit their ability to engage with other parts of themselves. For example, they may experience a sense of inner conflict or tension when trying to explore non-fetishistic aspects of their sexuality. As a result, they may feel trapped in their fetish identity, unable to explore new possibilities or forms of connection outside of their kink.
The Role of Shame and Isolation in the “Being” Phase
While some individuals in the “Being” phase experience a sense of empowerment or validation through their full immersion in kink, others may struggle with shame and isolation. This is especially true for those whose fetishes are highly specific, extreme, or socially stigmatized. The deeper an individual becomes enmeshed with their fetish, the more isolated they may feel from others—both within and outside the kink community.
In many cases, the fetishistic behavior may be so extreme or niche that the individual feels disconnected even from broader fetish or kink subcultures. This isolation can create feelings of alienation, as the individual perceives their desires as too unique, dangerous, or taboo to share openly. This can lead to a deep sense of loneliness, where the fetish is both a source of arousal and a barrier to meaningful connection with others.
Shame plays a complex role in the “Being” phase. While earlier phases may involve moments of guilt or self-questioning, the “Being” phase is often where the individual fully internalizes shame related to their fetish. This shame may stem from societal or cultural messages, personal judgments about their behavior, or the realization that the fetish has overtaken other aspects of their life. In some cases, individuals may adopt a posture of shamelessness—outwardly proclaiming pride in their fetish identity—while inwardly struggling with feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, or confusion.
The Three Levels of Kink Identity Fetishism, like many complex behaviors, does not exist in a vacuum but rather develops through a continuum of engagement and identity. As individuals interact with their fetishes over time, this relationship progresses through a series of psychological, energetic, and neurobiological stages, culminating in a deeply entrenched aspect of the self. In this chapter, we will explore the three primary levels of fetish identity: Doing, Having, and Being. These levels represent not only varying degrees of behavioral engagement but also the depth of enmeshment between the individual and their fetishistic complex. As a person moves from exploration to full identity fusion, the fetish becomes less of a choice and more of an inherent part of who they are. Understanding these three levels is crucial for anyone attempting to intervene, whether they are therapists, coaches, or the individuals themselves. Each stage reflects a progressively tighter relationship between the sense of self and the fetish, making intervention more challenging but also offering unique opportunities for deprogramming and healing. By recognizing where an individual is on this spectrum, we can tailor therapeutic approaches to their level of enmeshment, thus providing more effective support in the journey toward disentanglement. Now, let us dive into these stages, beginning with the most superficial—Doing.
The “Doing” Phase of Kink Identity The first and most superficial level of fetishistic engagement is the “Doing” phase. At this stage, fetishism is largely an activity—a behavior that an individual engages in, either sporadically or regularly, without it necessarily defining who they are. In this phase, the fetishistic behavior is still viewed as something external to the individual’s core identity. The person may indulge in certain fetishes during sexual exploration, curiosity, or novelty, often seeing it as a temporary or isolated experience. For many individuals, the “Doing” phase is marked by a sense of experimentation. This is the stage where someone might dabble in kink or fetishism as a way to explore new aspects of their sexuality. For example, they may try wearing latex clothing, experimenting with role-play, or attending BDSM events, but these activities are not central to their self-concept or daily life. They are still able to compartmentalize the behavior and do not necessarily feel that their fetish defines them. The “Doing” phase can often feel liberating because it allows the individual to experiment with boundaries. They may engage with kink communities, participate in events, or explore online content, viewing the fetish as a playful or exciting addition to their sexual repertoire. Importantly, there is still a level of detachment in this phase—the individual can engage with or withdraw from the behavior relatively easily, as the fetish has not yet become a compulsive force. However, even at this early stage, the brain’s reward systems are being activated. The dopaminergic pathways—those responsible for pleasure and reward—begin to associate fetishistic behavior with sexual arousal, creating reinforcement loops. This creates a situation where repeated engagement with fetishistic activities can start to build associations between the fetish and sexual gratification. Although this conditioning process is still relatively weak in the “Doing” phase, it lays the groundwork for deeper engagement in the future. Transitioning From “Doing” to “Having” For many individuals, the “Doing” phase is where fetishism remains—a series of sporadic activities that offer novelty, excitement, and sexual satisfaction. However, in some cases, repeated engagement leads to deeper attachment to the behavior. When the brain begins to link sexual gratification more strongly with fetishistic behavior through repeated peak experiences, and the individual starts to return to the fetish as a primary source of arousal, they can transition into the “Having” phase. This shift may also be triggered by life circumstances that create emotional voids—trauma, stress, loneliness, or unmet needs. Fetishism, once simply an activity, becomes a more regular part of the individual’s life, offering relief or comfort in times of emotional distress. This transition is typically marked by a growing reliance on the fetishistic behavior and an increased presence of the fetish in the individual’s thoughts, fantasies, and sexual habits. The neurobiological reinforcement process accelerates, and the individual may find that their relationship to the fetish is no longer as flexible or detached as it once was.
The “Having” Phase of Kink Identity The second stage in the progression of kink identity is the “Having” phase, where the individual’s relationship with their fetish begins to shift from an activity they engage in to something they possess as part of their sexual and psychological landscape. Fetishistic behavior moves from a series of isolated experiences to a consistent element in the individual’s sexual repertoire, and the fetish itself becomes more integrated into their sense of identity. In the “Having” phase, fetishistic desires are no longer just something the individual does; they are something the individual has—an element of their identity that is now consciously recognized and integrated into their self-concept. The person may think, “This is a part of who I am,” or “This is how I experience desire.” The fetish becomes internalized, meaning that it no longer feels external or compartmentalized from their overall life or sense of self. While it may not yet dominate their identity, the fetish begins to exert more influence over their sexual behavior, fantasies, and even emotional states. Fetishistic practices are no longer simply experiments or occasional indulgences; they become a more consistent part of how the individual engages with their sexuality. In many cases, the fetish starts to become necessary for sexual arousal or fulfillment, and other forms of sexual expression may begin to feel less satisfying by comparison. The Psychological and Emotional Shifts The transition into the “Having” phase is often marked by important psychological and emotional shifts. At this stage, the individual begins to feel a stronger attachment to their fetish, and it may provide them with a sense of comfort, security, or identity. This deeper attachment can be both empowering and confining. On the one hand, the person may feel more comfortable embracing their fetish as a core aspect of their sexual identity. On the other hand, this attachment may lead to a sense of dependence on the fetish for sexual or emotional satisfaction. For some individuals, the fetish may become a coping mechanism to manage emotional distress, unmet needs, or unresolved trauma. As fetishistic behaviors are repeated, they can serve as a way to soothe or distract from difficult emotions. This is particularly true when the fetish serves as a means of regulating intense emotions like anxiety, loneliness, or shame. The fetishistic complex begins to entangle with the person’s emotional landscape, making it increasingly difficult to distinguish between desire for the fetish and the emotional relief it provides. This phase is also where individuals may start to feel the early signs of compulsion. The fetish begins to take up more mental and emotional space. Individuals may find themselves preoccupied with their fetish, thinking about it outside of sexual contexts, fantasizing about it more frequently, and possibly seeking out opportunities to engage with it more regularly. This preoccupation can feel both thrilling and, at times, anxiety-inducing, especially if the individual doesn’t have access to such opportunities to engage on a regular basis. The Role of Neurobiological Reinforcement in the “Having” Phase From a neurobiological perspective, the reinforcement of fetishistic behavior intensifies in the “Having” phase. Each time the individual engages in fetishistic activities and experiences sexual gratification, the brain’s reward circuits (primarily involving dopamine) are activated. Over time, this leads to the strengthening of neural pathways associated with the fetish, making it increasingly difficult to derive the same level of pleasure from non-fetishistic sexual experiences. This neurobiological reinforcement is key to understanding why the “Having” phase is marked by a deepening attachment to the fetish. The brain becomes conditioned to associate the fetish with reward, pleasure, and emotional relief, reinforcing the behavior. As this conditioning process continues, the fetish becomes less of a choice and more of a requirement for sexual satisfaction. However, the deepening of these neural pathways can also lead to the emergence of tolerance. As in many forms of behavioral reinforcement, the individual may find that they need more intense or frequent engagement with the fetish to achieve the same level of arousal or satisfaction. This can result in an escalation of fetishistic behavior, where the individual seeks more extreme or novel forms of engagement to maintain the desired level of pleasure. Cultural, Social, and Relational Reinforcement in the “Having” Phase As the fetish becomes a more integrated part of the individual’s identity in the “Having” phase, its effects extend beyond private sexual experiences and into broader cultural, social, and relational dynamics. Modern cultural narratives, particularly those within the sex-positive movement, heavily reinforce the idea that exploring and embracing one’s sexual desires—especially those that deviate from societal norms—is not only valid but also essential to achieving self-actualization. While this ethos can be empowering, offering many individuals a sense of acceptance and freedom, it can also complicate the possibility of reflection or intervention when fetishistic behaviors become compulsive or maladaptive. Cultural Reinforcement and Energy Structures One of the key factors that solidifies the transition from Doing to Having is the cultural reinforcement provided by these broader narratives. Modern sex positivity champions the idea of embracing one’s true self, encouraging individuals to “be themselves” and “live their truth,” often without deeper examination of whether their desires are truly serving them in healthy or fulfilling ways. These messages can be empowering for those whose fetishes are integrated into their lives in balanced, non-compulsive ways, providing a healthy outlet for sexual expression without shame. However, these cultural narratives often overlook how energy structures such as Social Egregores (SEs) and Unattached Burdens (UBs) can manipulate and amplify fetishistic behaviors. These external forces drive compulsions that may not originate from the true Self. This presents a direct challenge to the cultural narrative that fetishistic behaviors represent an authentic expression of identity. By encouraging individuals to embrace these desires without questioning their origins, the cultural reinforcement fails to recognize that some of these behaviors may be driven by energy structures rather than the Self. This makes it difficult for individuals to explore whether their fetish is truly serving their well-being or if it is being fueled by external forces. By the time an individual reaches the “Having” phase, they may be surrounded by a community or societal messages that validate their fetish as an unchangeable part of who they are, cementing it as a key aspect of their identity. This validation can make it difficult for the individual to question the roots of their fetish, even if it is causing harm or preventing emotional fulfillment. Deeper reflection, which might reveal unresolved trauma, energy structures, or unmet needs, is often avoided, as it may feel like betraying their identity or the supportive communities that have embraced them. In this way, cultural reinforcement not only encourages fetishistic behavior but can also act as a barrier to intervention, particularly when individuals feel that questioning their desires might lead to a loss of identity or community support. The message that “anything goes” within sexual exploration can further blur the lines between healthy sexual expression and compulsive behavior, making it more difficult for individuals to recognize when their fetish is being driven by energy structures and becoming a limitation rather than an expansion of their authentic Self. Social and Relational Impacts The social and relational dynamics in the “Having” phase are deeply intertwined with these cultural narratives. As the fetish becomes more integrated into the individual’s identity, it begins to impact their relationships, both romantic and platonic. Many individuals in this phase feel a need to disclose their fetish to their partners, especially if the fetish has become essential for their sexual arousal or fulfillment. The partner’s response to this disclosure can have a significant impact on how the individual views both their fetish and themselves. If the partner embraces or accepts the fetish, this often leads to a sense of validation, further deepening the individual’s attachment to the fetish as a core part of their identity. This validation can strengthen the belief that the fetish is essential to their sexual and emotional well-being, making it more difficult for them to explore alternative avenues of intimacy or emotional fulfillment. However, if the partner expresses discomfort or rejection, this can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, or frustration, entangling the individual even further in the fetishistic complex. In response to this, some individuals in the “Having” phase may seek out partners or communities specifically within kink or fetish subcultures, where they feel they can freely express their desires without fear of judgment. These communities often offer validation and a sense of belonging that the individual may not find in more mainstream social or relational spaces. Conversely, the fetish can also create a sense of isolation, especially for those whose fetishes are highly specific, niche, or extreme. The individual may feel that their fetish is too unique or outside the realm of typical sexual experiences to be accepted by most people, leading to feelings of alienation. This alienation may drive the individual to retreat further into their fetish, viewing it as both a source of comfort and a barrier to connection. The fetish becomes a double-edged sword—offering solace in solitude while also limiting deeper, more diverse forms of emotional and relational intimacy. Balancing Cultural Empowerment with Self-Reflection While cultural narratives around sex positivity can offer freedom from shame and allow individuals to explore their desires openly, it’s important to recognize the complicating factor they introduce for individuals whose fetishistic behaviors are becoming compulsive. For many, the support and validation found in kink communities can provide a much-needed sense of belonging. However, these narratives can also reinforce fetishistic identity in ways that inhibit deeper reflection on whether the behavior is serving the individual’s long-term emotional and relational well-being. It’s crucial to clarify that this is not an indictment of the kink scene itself. On the contrary, I am far from anti-kink. I love the kink scene—its creativity, the freedom it provides, and the dark aesthetic of fetish fashion. I have tremendous respect for the countless dommes and sex workers who show up with genuine intent to help others, sometimes even transforming lives through their work. Over the years, I have encountered many people who swear by the positive impact the lifestyle has had on them, helping them grow, find empowerment, and build stronger identities. These experiences are real, valid, and worthy of celebration, and I am not dismissing or undermining them in any way. That said, challenge arises when the cultural reinforcement of sex positivity, particularly the narrative that encourages unconditional acceptance of desires, interacts with individuals who are unknowingly driven by energy structures. The existence of these energy structures complicates the question of whether fetishistic behavior always serves the individual’s well-being. While many people find kink empowering, there are those whose desires are fueled by external forces rather than the true Self. This raises a key question: are these fetishistic desires a healthy expression of Self and a gateway to healing and self-actualization, or are they being manipulated by energy structures, driving behaviors that can lead to isolation, compulsion, or emotional limitation? The goal isn’t to discourage exploration but to encourage balance—the empowerment of embracing one’s sexual identity, alongside the self-awareness needed to assess whether the fetish is fostering emotional growth, intimacy, and authentic fulfillment. This balance requires the capacity for self-awareness—the ability to examine one’s desires and question whether they are grounded in personal authenticity or influenced by external forces. In the “Having” phase, cultural, social, and relational reinforcement can strengthen the individual’s attachment to the fetish. But it also presents an opportunity for conscious exploration if the individual remains open to reflection and self-examination. Recognizing the influence of energy structures is essential for breaking free from the illusion that the fetish is inseparable from the individual’s true self, allowing for the possibility of deeper healing, integration, and a richer, more expansive life. The “Having” phase offers a critical inflection point: the individual can either move toward deeper entanglement in the fetish, transitioning into the “Being” phase, or they can begin the work of dissolving shame, developing self-awareness and maintaining a healthy balance between their fetishistic behavior and the other aspects of their life. By fostering self-awareness, the individual can prevent further enmeshment and cultivate a relationship with their fetish that is based on curiosity and agency, rather than emotional dependence or compulsive need. If left unchecked, the “Having” phase can gradually evolve into the “Being” phase, where the fetish is no longer something the individual has—it is something they are. At this stage, the fetishistic complex becomes fully integrated into the individual’s core identity, leaving little room for any sexual or emotional experiences outside of the fetish. This transition is often driven by an increasing reliance on the fetish for emotional regulation, sexual satisfaction, and a sense of identity, setting the stage for full enmeshment with the fetishistic complex.
The “Being” Phase of Kink Identity The final and most profound stage in the progression of kink identity is the “Being” phase. In this phase, the fetish no longer exists as something the individual does or has—it becomes who they are. The fetishistic complex fully enmeshes with the individual’s core identity, so much so that it is indistingishable from the Self. For individuals in this phase, their relationship with their fetish is not just one part of their life but the lens through which they experience their entire sexual and emotional reality. In the “Being” phase, the fetishistic behavior or identity has become a fundamental part of the individual’s self-concept, shaping how they understand themselves, their relationships, and their desires. The fetish is no longer a preference or interest but has been woven into the fabric of who the individual perceives themselves to be. This often leads to an intense sense of identification with the fetish, where other aspects of their personality, desires, and sexual behaviors take a back seat to the fetish itself. This level of enmeshment can be empowering for some, as it allows them to fully express and embrace their kink without fear of societal judgment or internal conflict. However, for many, the “Being” phase comes with a loss of flexibility and a deep sense of limitation. The fetish becomes a central force, often overshadowing other forms of connection, intimacy, and emotional fulfillment. At this point, fetishistic behavior becomes compulsive, and the individual may feel trapped by the very thing that once brought them pleasure or satisfaction. The Loss of Choice and Flexibility The hallmark of the “Being” phase is the loss of choice. Whereas in the earlier “Doing” and “Having” phases, individuals still maintain a level of volition in their engagement with fetishistic behaviors, the “Being” phase represents a point where the fetish has become fully integrated into their sense of Self. The fetish is no longer something they can take or leave—it is perceived as essential to their identity and how they experience sexual and emotional connection. This loss of flexibility often manifests in the individual’s reliance on the fetish for sexual arousal. At this point, the fetish has become the primary or exclusive source of sexual satisfaction. Other forms of sexual or intimate expression may feel flat, unsatisfying, or even inaccessible. In extreme cases, individuals may be unable to achieve arousal or orgasm without engaging in their fetish, creating a feedback loop of dependency. The fetish becomes less about exploration or play and more about necessity—something that must be fulfilled to feel complete. The loss of choice can also be emotional and psychological. Individuals in the “Being” phase may feel a deep sense of identity fusion with their fetish, which can limit their ability to engage with other parts of themselves. For example, they may experience a sense of inner conflict or tension when trying to explore non-fetishistic aspects of their sexuality. As a result, they may feel trapped in their fetish identity, unable to explore new possibilities or forms of connection outside of their kink. The Role of Shame and Isolation in the “Being” Phase While some individuals in the “Being” phase experience a sense of empowerment or validation through their full immersion in kink, others may struggle with shame and isolation. This is especially true for those whose fetishes are highly specific, extreme, or socially stigmatized. The deeper an individual becomes enmeshed with their fetish, the more isolated they may feel from others—both within and outside the kink community. In many cases, the fetishistic behavior may be so extreme or niche that the individual feels disconnected even from broader fetish or kink subcultures. This isolation can create feelings of alienation, as the individual perceives their desires as too unique, dangerous, or taboo to share openly. This can lead to a deep sense of loneliness, where the fetish is both a source of arousal and a barrier to meaningful connection with others. Shame plays a complex role in the “Being” phase. While earlier phases may involve moments of guilt or self-questioning, the “Being” phase is often where the individual fully internalizes shame related to their fetish. This shame may stem from societal or cultural messages, personal judgments about their behavior, or the realization that the fetish has overtaken other aspects of their life. In some cases, individuals may adopt a posture of shamelessness—outwardly proclaiming pride in their fetish identity—while inwardly struggling with feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, or confusion. In this phase, shame can become a reinforcing loop. The individual may feel ashamed of how much their fetish dominates their life, which in turn drives them further into their fetish as a way of coping with that shame. This dynamic of shame-bypassing (which we will explore further in the next chapter) is particularly relevant in the “Being” phase, where individuals may attempt to escape feelings of emotional pain by doubling down on fetishistic engagement.
Cognitive Dissonance Cognitive dissonance is often a hallmark of the “Being” phase of kink identity. As fetishism becomes fully integrated into the individual’s sense of self. On the surface, the individual may outwardly embrace their fetishistic identity, adopting a stance of empowerment or shamelessness. However, beneath this façade, a deeper conflict brews—between the person’s unresolved internal emotional discomfort and the compulsive behavior they’ve come to identify with. This can create significant emotional fragmentation, as the individual may swing between moments of pride in their identity and moments of self-doubt, guilt, or dissatisfaction. This oscillation between feelings of empowerment and emotional distress can lead to increasing mental and emotional instability, which further reinforces the compulsive nature of the fetishistic behavior. This dissonance not only fuels the cycle of shame but also drives the individual deeper into the fetishistic complex, as they may rely more heavily on their fetish to cope with the growing emotional discomfort. This cycle perpetuates the enmeshment of the fetish with their identity, making it more difficult for them to recognize the possibility of disentangling their desires from the compulsive behaviors that no longer serve them. The more deeply they cling to their fetishistic identity, the more isolated and disconnected they may feel from their authentic self, thus making the process of intervention and healing even more challenging.
Neurobiological Entrenchment and Escalation On a neurobiological level, the “Being” phase represents the most entrenched form of fetishistic compulsion. By this stage, the brain’s reward circuits have been heavily conditioned to associate sexual arousal and gratification almost exclusively with the fetish. The dopaminergic system has been trained over time to respond to fetishistic stimuli, creating a neurobiological addiction to the behavior. This stage often leads to escalation. As the brain becomes more accustomed to fetishistic behaviors, it may require increasingly intense or extreme forms of engagement to achieve the same level of arousal or satisfaction. This escalation can take many forms, including: • Increased frequency of fetishistic behavior. • More extreme or dangerous activities to reach the desired level of sexual excitement. • A growing tolerance for the fetish, leading to a need for novel experiences or heightened stimulation. This pattern of escalation can lead individuals into risky or harmful behaviors, including activities that put their physical health, emotional well-being, or relationships in jeopardy. At this stage, fetishism may begin to resemble an addiction, with the individual feeling unable to stop or moderate their behavior despite negative consequences. Escaping the Fetishistic Complex: Reclaiming the Self The “Being” phase represents the deepest level of enmeshment with the fetishistic complex, but it also offers the greatest opportunity for profound transformation. By dissolving the Shame Web and cultivating self-awareness, individuals can begin to reclaim their sense of self and explore new ways of experiencing desire, sexuality, and emotional fulfillment. Through compassionate exploration, individuals in the “Being” phase can begin to disentangle the parts of themselves that are enmeshed with the complex and create space for healing. By working with experienced therapists and using holistic approaches, such as IFS, EMDR, and somatic therapies, individuals can start the journey toward a more integrated and fulfilling relationship with themselves while discovering new ways of experiencing desire, sexuality, and emotional connection.
In this phase, shame can become a reinforcing loop. The individual may feel ashamed of how much their fetish dominates their life, which in turn drives them further into their fetish as a way of coping with that shame. This dynamic of shame-bypassing (which we will explore further in the next chapter) is particularly relevant in the “Being” phase, where individuals may attempt to escape feelings of emotional pain by doubling down on fetishistic engagement.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is often a hallmark of the “Being” phase of kink identity. As fetishism becomes fully integrated into the individual’s sense of self. On the surface, the individual may outwardly embrace their fetishistic identity, adopting a stance of empowerment or shamelessness. However, beneath this façade, a deeper conflict brews—between the person’s unresolved internal emotional discomfort and the compulsive behavior they’ve come to identify with.
This can create significant emotional fragmentation, as the individual may swing between moments of pride in their identity and moments of self-doubt, guilt, or dissatisfaction. This oscillation between feelings of empowerment and emotional distress can lead to increasing mental and emotional instability, which further reinforces the compulsive nature of the fetishistic behavior.
This dissonance not only fuels the cycle of shame but also drives the individual deeper into the fetishistic complex, as they may rely more heavily on their fetish to cope with the growing emotional discomfort. This cycle perpetuates the enmeshment of the fetish with their identity, making it more difficult for them to recognize the possibility of disentangling their desires from the compulsive behaviors that no longer serve them. The more deeply they cling to their fetishistic identity, the more isolated and disconnected they may feel from their authentic self, thus making the process of intervention and healing even more challenging.
Neurobiological Entrenchment and Escalation
On a neurobiological level, the “Being” phase represents the most entrenched form of fetishistic compulsion. By this stage, the brain’s reward circuits have been heavily conditioned to associate sexual arousal and gratification almost exclusively with the fetish. The dopaminergic system has been trained over time to respond to fetishistic stimuli, creating a neurobiological addiction to the behavior.
This stage often leads to escalation. As the brain becomes more accustomed to fetishistic behaviors, it may require increasingly intense or extreme forms of engagement to achieve the same level of arousal or satisfaction. This escalation can take many forms, including:
• Increased frequency of fetishistic behavior.
• More extreme or dangerous activities to reach the desired level of sexual excitement.
• A growing tolerance for the fetish, leading to a need for novel experiences or heightened stimulation.
This pattern of escalation can lead individuals into risky or harmful behaviors, including activities that put their physical health, emotional well-being, or relationships in jeopardy. At this stage, fetishism may begin to resemble an addiction, with the individual feeling unable to stop or moderate their behavior despite negative consequences.
Escaping the Fetishistic Complex: Reclaiming the Self
The “Being” phase represents the deepest level of enmeshment with the fetishistic complex, but it also offers the greatest opportunity for profound transformation. By dissolving the Shame Web and cultivating self-awareness, individuals can begin to reclaim their sense of self and explore new ways of experiencing desire, sexuality, and emotional fulfillment.
Through compassionate exploration, individuals in the “Being” phase can begin to disentangle the parts of themselves that are enmeshed with the complex and create space for healing. By working with experienced therapists and using holistic approaches, such as IFS, EMDR, and somatic therapies, individuals can start the journey toward a more integrated and fulfilling relationship with themselves while discovering new ways of experiencing desire, sexuality, and emotional connection.