Introduction
Fetishism has long been framed through cultural, psychological, and sociological lenses, with current perspectives either pathologizing these behaviors or celebrating them under the banner of sexual freedom. However, these narratives often fail to address the deeper complexities of fetishism—particularly in cases where fetishes evolve into compulsions that significantly affect one’s quality of life.
For many, the cultural narrative of fetishism promotes exploration without limits, framing fetishes as immutable aspects of identity. However, this perspective can be dangerously simplistic. It fails to account for the fact that not all fetishes are benign or capable of being integrated into a healthy sexual life. In extreme cases, fetishes can become debilitating, destructive forces that limit one’s ability to connect with others, function normally, or experience emotional fulfillment.
From personal experience and extensive work in this field, I have encountered fetishes that, even after removing the layers of shame and guilt, cannot be reconciled as healthy. These include dangerous or self-destructive compulsions such as a smoking fetish, hypoxic blackouts, or an obsession with drowning. These are not fetishes that can be integrated into daily life safely, even within the most permissive or supportive frameworks. Yet, modern culture’s prevailing narrative—particularly within the kink-positive space—insists that fetishes are an unchangeable part of one’s identity, with no room for intervention or healing.
Having lived with debilitating fetishes and eventually deprogramming them, I reject this narrative. Through my own journey and my intervention work with clients, I have seen that fetishes, even those that seem deeply ingrained, can be changed, lessened, or entirely deprogrammed. This contradicts the common belief that fetishes are unchangeable. The current model does not provide a framework for understanding how some fetishes evolve into dangerous compulsions, nor does it offer a path for healing them.
For instance, in my work as a fetish model and coach, I have encountered individuals whose fetishes are not only extreme but are physically harmful, such as clients who can only achieve orgasm through extreme burns or those seeking dangerous levels of erotic asphyxiation. These desires are not simply expressions of sexual identity but deeply enmeshed compulsions that trap individuals in harmful cycles, limiting their ability to experience intimacy, connection, and safety.
Therefore, a new taxonomy of fetishism is necessary—one that goes beyond the binary of pathology versus celebration. This new taxonomy must recognize the fetishistic complex as a deeply intertwined structure of psychological, neurobiological, and energetic components. By understanding the fetishistic complex through this more holistic lens, therapists, counselors, and helping professionals can better recognize when fetishistic behaviors have become harmful and develop strategies to help individuals deprogram these compulsions.
It is crucial to clarify that this work is by no means anti-kink. On the contrary, I recognize and celebrate the positive aspects of kink culture, which has empowered many individuals to explore their sexualities in liberating and meaningful ways. For many, engaging in kink practices and fetishistic behaviors is a source of joy, intimacy, and personal empowerment. Kink communities have been a haven for people to express their authentic selves without judgment, often fostering greater self-acceptance and emotional growth.
This framework does not seek to diminish or undermine those experiences. Rather, the goal here is to provide an additional pathway for individuals who find themselves suffering within the bounds of their fetishistic explorations—those whose desires have become compulsions they can no longer control or integrate into a healthy, balanced life. For these individuals, the fetishistic behaviors are no longer sources of pleasure or self-expression but have become destructive cycles, limiting their capacity for intimacy, personal growth, and emotional well-being. This dynamic, which I have observed both in my personal experiences and as a coach, echoes patterns of trauma and neurobiological reinforcement that will be explored further through empirical and clinical models, such as classical conditioning and neuroplasticity. These deeper psychological and biological mechanisms will help illuminate how and why some fetishes spiral into compulsions.
While the vast majority of individuals engaged in fetishistic practices may not need to go to the lengths of deprogramming their desires, this framework is for those who do wish to intervene—who find that their fetishes have morphed into something harmful, affecting their relationships, safety, or mental health. For those individuals, this model offers a roadmap to healing and freedom.
Moreover, even for those who do not seek to deprogram their fetishes entirely, the principles and insights offered in this framework can still be valuable. By understanding the psychological, neurobiological, and energetic dynamics behind their desires, individuals can gain a clearer sense of self-awareness and a healthier relationship with their sexuality. They may find ways to integrate their fetishes more harmoniously into their lives or recognize where certain behaviors are limiting their potential for connection, growth, or well-being.
In developing this framework, I followed in the footsteps of Robert Falconer, whose work emphasizes a clear, practical approach to healing, grounded in the goal of relieving human suffering. Falconer, inspired by the philosophical traditions of William James’ Radical Empiricism and Robert Roth’s Radical Pragmatism, focuses on what works. Radical Empiricism asserts that the only way to know what is real is through experience, while Radical Pragmatism contends that truth is determined by its practical consequences. In this context, what works is what’s real. If a method or intervention relieves suffering and promotes well-being, it is valid. This practical focus shapes the framework of this book—it is not an abstract intellectual exercise but a roadmap to alleviate real human suffering.
The question that must be asked is: What is more important—the paradigm or relieving human suffering? In fetishistic complexes, where individuals are sometimes trapped in cycles of compulsive behavior and emotional distress, the focus must shift from preserving the current cultural narratives to finding solutions that genuinely work for those affected. While sex-positive movements have made important strides in destigmatizing non-normative sexual practices, the reality is that some of these frameworks may inadvertently cause harm in extreme cases where fetishes become debilitating. In subsequent sections, I offer a critique of how modern kink-positive culture can unintentionally obscure the darker side of fetishism, leaving some individuals without options for healing or intervention.
This is not unlike other liberal policies that are currently being reconsidered or rolled back, such as the widespread legalization of hard drugs and the implementation of safe injection sites. While these policies are often well-intentioned and aimed at harm reduction, in some cases they end up causing more harm than good for the very populations they aim to serve. It is essential to question whether these approaches truly work in practice, or whether they inadvertently perpetuate the cycles of harm they seek to address. Without getting mired in political debates, the focus must remain on what effectively reduces suffering and promotes genuine well-being.
In the case of fetishistic complexes, this means stepping beyond ideological boundaries to recognize when certain fetishistic behaviors are not just expressions of sexual freedom but are actively limiting an individual’s ability to thrive.
As Robert Falconer states: “My goal here is to relieve human suffering: it’s not to do academic research.” By focusing on what works, this framework is not about limiting sexual freedom or stigmatizing fetishes but about recognizing when a fetish has evolved into a structure that inhibits growth, well-being, or safety, and creating pathways for individuals to reclaim their live by providing a practical and compassionate approach to helping them break free from compulsive patterns.
My work stands as an invitation, not a directive. It invites those who seek relief from their compulsions or simply greater insight into the dynamics of their desires to explore an alternative approach, one that honors personal choice, dignity, and the complexity of human sexuality. The aim is not to impose one path but to offer a compassionate and effective option for those ready to reclaim autonomy over their inner worlds.